Unsettling astonishments

happiness / and cheerful melodies / can’t satisfy a heavy heart / fluttering nerves / the itching inside of me/ that’s making me want to throw up /or to tear apart my face/ turning into someone else/ wearing a mask/

I don’t even understand / myself/ unconsciousness aggravates the feeling / of not being myself / to be all at sea / I can’t get a grip of it/ it’s slipping through my fingers / as fast as an untuned chord / leaves terrible disharmony/

I can’t seem/ to calm myself / like I usually do/ it’s like a distant pain / I’m feeling for someone else/ instead / lighthearted words /give me the creeps / an uneasy feeling/ runs down my spine / feels like there’s not enough /air in here / or anywhere at all /

all my tries just cover dirt / ignoring what I deeply need / desire / the wrong voice / the wrong chime / drags me down deeper / deeper in the vortex / sing and scream / ‘til your throat is sore / I’m being selfish /

I’m feeling helpless / but I feel your pain / the serenity / it kills my patience / I never thought /my brain / my body / my entire self / could react the way it does / in shock and discomposure/

an issue far away / and out of reach / still / uneasiness fills my ribcage / won’t escape through pen and ink / through words or infiltrated images / I just can’t deal with this sensation / it’s confusing me / it’s too much/

it feels wrong / it all feels wrong / so much feels wrong / and blame only adds a new dimension / of feeling bad and / feeling numb / simultaneously / and all alone/

it feels like / there’s a whole world inside of me / increasing / a universe of sounds / I can’t get out/ a pressure’s laying down on me / headache splits my head in half / stitches open up my skin / I lost my understandings/ and what was left of all my sense/

I’m thirsting for a single syllable / it’s not over / and this thought is worse / than facing mortality / and endings / to be left in abeyance is / the poison dazing / fading / erasing me/ the surface is / so out of reach / a new hope in dark / red and blue / but one day / the light will return /