Unsettling astonishments

happiness / and cheerful melodies / can’t satisfy a heavy heart / fluttering nerves / the itching inside of me/ that’s making me want to throw up /or to tear apart my face/ turning into someone else/ wearing a mask/

I don’t even understand / myself/ unconsciousness aggravates the feeling / of not being myself / to be all at sea / I can’t get a grip of it/ it’s slipping through my fingers / as fast as an untuned chord / leaves terrible disharmony/

I can’t seem/ to calm myself / like I usually do/ it’s like a distant pain / I’m feeling for someone else/ instead / lighthearted words /give me the creeps / an uneasy feeling/ runs down my spine / feels like there’s not enough /air in here / or anywhere at all /

all my tries just cover dirt / ignoring what I deeply need / desire / the wrong voice / the wrong chime / drags me down deeper / deeper in the vortex / sing and scream / ‘til your throat is sore / I’m being selfish /

I’m feeling helpless / but I feel your pain / the serenity / it kills my patience / I never thought /my brain / my body / my entire self / could react the way it does / in shock and discomposure/

an issue far away / and out of reach / still / uneasiness fills my ribcage / won’t escape through pen and ink / through words or infiltrated images / I just can’t deal with this sensation / it’s confusing me / it’s too much/

it feels wrong / it all feels wrong / so much feels wrong / and blame only adds a new dimension / of feeling bad and / feeling numb / simultaneously / and all alone/

it feels like / there’s a whole world inside of me / increasing / a universe of sounds / I can’t get out/ a pressure’s laying down on me / headache splits my head in half / stitches open up my skin / I lost my understandings/ and what was left of all my sense/

I’m thirsting for a single syllable / it’s not over / and this thought is worse / than facing mortality / and endings / to be left in abeyance is / the poison dazing / fading / erasing me/ the surface is / so out of reach / a new hope in dark / red and blue / but one day / the light will return /

Past pain, present suffering, future fear

Shaking hands, knots in my stomach

And emptiness all over my head

Bringing bleakness and fears,

Hears too much about the future

And all future hearts in no revision,

Reflects myself with stain black eyes,

Open arms and promise of self destruction.

Would you let it be, let it live, give it up?

Would you save yourself and sacrifice us?

A sharp pain is piercing my lungs,

Filling the air with smoke and panting,

A sensation of “have to be” and “have to do”,

A killing spree inside my bones,

Wrecking heavy thoughts and helpless cries,

Leaving ashes on my clothes,

Let alone the burns and bites.

Could you let it be, let it live, give it up?

Could you save yourself and sacrifice us?

Everything between those lids

Defines the silence of empty words

And shining hope for tomorrow,

Choking on today and present beings,

Turning upside down and inside out

What’s left inside my brain and heart.

My pulse’s slowing down in anguish.

May you let it be, let it live, give it up?

May you save yourself and sacrifice us?

Should you let it be, let it live, give it up?

Should you save yourself and sacrifice us?

I would let it be, let it live, give it up.

I would save myself and sacrifice us.

Let go, let go, let go. Let go, let go, let go.

Distant pain

Fluttering nerves and a tainted head,

The utterly feeling of restlessness and unbelieve,

A shocking experience that dazes,

Compromises in a maze, leaving me in rain and ruins.

Cold blood fire turns the night to mist

And confusion leaves my gaze dull.

Full of secrets, full of lies, taking my breath,

Throwing away what’s setting me free,

Closes cage and door and locks out light.

As a little merl crying, trying to continue

A life full of battlefields and battle scars.

I can’t believe, I can’t go on,

I can’t believe, I can’t go on anymore.

Darkness seeps into my veins,

Repaints the stars and heavy hearts,

Sends the rats to bite my utmost inner self,

Rages ‘til I’m shaking, tearing up

In my world filled with despised faith.

The fear betrays the poisoned tendons

And the stitches catching colds

Like old dogs in those long forgotten days alone,

Being febrile from howling too much

Against the twisting stomachs and thick thorns

Cutting flesh while emitting painful scents.

I can’t believe, I can’t go on,

I can’t believe, I can’t go on anymore.

I can’t stand the thought of rescue

Though all these heartbreaking voices.

But I’m not giving up, I’m not done yet.